“Jesus outed” excerpt: Jesus Nativity at Tussauds


Historically, Jesus’ crib was in fact literally a “feeding trough” in an old cold barn, warmed only by the family, and later, some shepherds. Oh, and there was also probably a lot of livestock, so there was also the warmth and smell of their methane creating defecations (the beginnings of “Global Barn Warming”).

So as I contemplated these events, it had never dawned upon me that I would have my own Jesus crib stolen.

As an Internet researcher and journalist, my curiosity drove me to do some digging; so I searched for news of other crèche-related events…Omigod! Here is just how pervasive the global crèche crisis had become that year. In London,  at Madame Tussauds wax museum, the “Joseph” (David) and his wife “Mary” (Victoria, otherwise known as the “Posh” Spice Girl) wax figures were attacked by a man offended by their attempts to look after the baby Jesus in his crib. It was rumored that the attacker tried to abscond with one of the waxened Holy Family in order to start a small mail order candle business, but he has not yet been apprehended.

Fortunately, Real Madrid star defender Walter Samuel, who just happened to be touring the museum at the time, was able to successfully deflect all of the following attempts to score on the Holy Beckhams.

“It was just second-nature,” Samuel said later.

In harmony with the star thematic renditions of the Tussaud exhibit, the baby Jesus was a simple wax rendition of “Mini-Me”.


As I continued to search I found all manner of bizarre world-wide crèche events.

In Naples, 32 chefs decided to construct a huge nativity scene entirely out of chocolate. It took them 4500 hours to construct the 7,250 pound nativity scene. The baby Jesus was made of white chocolate despite his likely brown-skinned Middle Eastern ethnicity. This crib also sported celebrity figures that watched over the delectable chocolate Jesus. That year the babe in the manger was surrounded by chocolate renditions of Dubya and Osama bin Laden.

I have questions about all of this.

First, after the Beckham incident in London I really fear for the baby Jesus. I mean some fanatic is gonna get past the guards and eat him (no doubt citing a literal biblical reference in his defense later). And if not, what do they do after Christmas is over? Do they melt the King of Kings down and make smaller white chocolate Jesus bars? (I do not have any problem with them melting down Dubya or Bin Laden…it would have solved a lot of the world’s problems at the time.)


But what’s with the three wise men being in the scene at all? If you read the historical texts they come days later to a different house with their gifts. WTF (farce)?

I guess it ups the price of the collectible scenes to have more figurines.

But if so, why not go all the way and add other significant figures to the story? Why not have a King Herod figure lurking in the background? Where is the Innkeeper and his family? It’s not his fault that all the rooms were taken! It was “Census” time for God’s sake! At least he found some safe space for them to have the birthing! He probably didn’t even charge them full rate. He deserves to get in doesn’t he?


Possible foreward

You will note that some of these “pieces” have been around awhile and wonder what is up with that? First, it was purely personal. I was a recluse due to a mental condition which was utterly unknown to me for two decades. So I would write a book and finish it, then just start on another one.

Until I was re-diagnosed and got the correct meds I just kept writing (I have a lot of books). Now I am freed up to publish, do readings, a book tour…you name it. No problem. More finished books on the way too!


Second, these “Jesus” issues have not gotten any better; in fact they have gotten worse in all cases. An essay like “The Haunt of Jackals” was interesting in 1993. In 2013 I’d up it to crucial and so will you after you read it.

Why the book?  I have a simple saying: “I have been to the Center and it is not US.”

There you have it. In fact, if you want my advice? Read the poem All About Us first, then No Assembly Required (which broke my heart to write). Then go ahead and move on the funny stuff like  Jesus Outed  and Al Michael’s is God etc…

I put  The Circular Argument   at the end. It is,  frankly, a devastating argument for a Christocentric world-view. The fact that this is not a given in the Church is beyond comprehension.  It is analogous to the fact that we live in a Christocentric universe but the spellchecker on my computer does not recognize that as a “real word”.

The Church-at-large does not recognize that as a daily reality. hey are the Center and Jesus will help them. He is very gracious and loving to His Bride and often will. But the core problem with the Church is one of centrality and perception.